Sometimes something or one can be like a catalyst in your life. Can throw everything into the air and generally when you least expect it. Things you believed, comfort zones you dwell in, emotions that you supressed, truths you made yourself believe shatter to the ground. Dispersed into tiny grains of sand that when looked at you wonder how they were ever so life stalling at all. You realise suddenly how much you direly need to let go, it’s not a case of needing to anymore, but it being critical to.
So you start looking at the excuses you’ve lived so successfully chained in. You search for the reasons, you struggle, and you fail time and time again to reach where you want to be. Yet the explanation isn’t that there is no reason, but that you don’t want to see what the true crux is, you’re trying to answer the answers you already have rather than trying to ask the questions that you need to.
That’s what I do so successfully because the questions scare me as the answers are unknown. We all hate the unknown, we all fear it, even in the midst of the bravest bravado there is essentially fear.
It’s therefore easy to live by past rules because they perversely protect you by entrapping you in the past and in the pain and in the dark. On the whole they stop you from enduring any further, fresh hurt, but they also stop you from living. I am not really living at all but surviving, day by day, event by event, reaction by reaction. I have always known this, but I think recently the denial to it being an issue has begun to lift sharply.
This is the tipping point.